My baby is five. She falls asleep in my arms after the close of dinner prayers, us still seated at table, and I hold her long after the Farmer has put the rest of the tribe to bed, her curls damp and etching into my skin and I don't move. Her face is turned toward mine, broad and open, eyelashes whisper of gold. I trace her lips, gentle curve of all things beautiful. The way her eyes danced today, soul light, the arch of her eyebrows and that lyrical laugh, heaven's echo that entirely undoes me. Her breath is warm on my face, all that is alive and warm and breathing inside of her now, falling upon me, and I can't capture it, hold it, this, her life now, me in this moment. She is leaving me, she's growing up and moving away from me and she stirs and I sweep back the crop of the golden ringlets. Stay, Little One, stay. Love's a deep wound and what is a mother without a child and why can't I hold on to now forever and her here and me here and why does time snatch away a heart I don't think mine can beat without? Why do we all have to grow old? Why do we have to keep saying good-bye?
She so beautifully puts to words all that's been in my heart for Cooper these past few months. Since Cooper began doing anything more than just laying swaddled on a blanket, I've been struggling to let him grow, develop, change. I just want to hold on to him, just as he is now, forever. I know I can't have that- and I do anticipate and embrace all that he will do and become in his lifetime, I just treasure him this way, my precious baby boy. Cooper is dealing with his 17th day of illness- a cold that turned into an ear infection and bronchiolitis (with two teeth coming in, to boot!) He's been such a trooper and smiled through most of it- but who can blame him for the times that he gets fussy?! During most of his nap times, the only sure-fire way to get him to sleep is to rock and sing to him. And some of the time, I just hold him during his entire nap. What could be more important that this moment and this beautiful gift from the Lord right in front of me? This afternoon as I rocked him, I thought about Ann's words and tried to memorize his sweet face... the way his eyelashes curl, so long and dark against his milky skin... his golden waves of hair that remind me of silken thread from a fairy tale... his round, happy cheeks that must have already experienced a million kisses... his chubby little hands, always balled up in fists, but now relaxed... the smell of his milky breath and his little pouty lip. I wouldn't change a single thing about this boy and I want to freeze him in my mind this way.
If I feel this way about my son, I can't help but think of the depths of the love of the Father for us- for me.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1
During ATS, we watched a video called "The Father Heart of God," by John Dawson. He says, "No matter what you do or become in the eyes of the world, you will never cease to be anything more than a babe in your Father's arms." Isn't that the truth? Cooper has not done anything for me and still I couldn't love him more. My love for him isn't based on the fact that he is the most beautiful baby in the entire world- or the fact that he is filled with such indescribable joy and delight- or the fact that one day he is going to be a valiant man who points the way to Jesus. It's because he came from me. He looks like me. He was the overflow of marital love. And I adore this child with everything in me!
